mission.japan

Explanation and Discussion for "Stay"

Friday, May 04, 2007

...for the previous three entries.

It’s Golden Week, which means vacation in Japan. I spent a couple of hours Thursday coming up with “Stay”, a short-short which took up the last three entries. If you haven’t read it, read it now:

Finished? Good. This story is still in the rough draft stage, so there are tons of unpolished edges and probably quite a few darlings that need to be executed. I thought I’d use this magical internet thing to get some comments from people. What did you like? What did you not like? The more brutally honest the better.

To answer a couple of questions in advance:

Anything else? The comment form awaits:

Comments

Janet Schaab wrote on May 04:

A great start, but I do think it needs a lot of work—specifically, more detail. This story leaves the reader with more questions than answers. It made more sense to read it 3-2-1, so I don’t know why you would want it to do it the other way.
We need character development and history. Why can’t she ask him to stay? Why can’t he ask her to come with him? Can I assume that he is one of the 47 people, and what happened?
I DO like what you have here, and it’s attractive because it’s so intriguing, but also frustrating at the same time.

Derek Schaab wrote on May 05:

Yup, totally agree. 48 hours later I very much feel like taking the whole thing down. Particularly because I just read Paul Graham’s Copy What You Like, where he says, ”...I wrote a lot of stories in which nothing happened except that someone was unhappy in a way that seemed deep,” (as an example of what not to write).

So that kind of fits. Nothing happens, the characters don’t change, it’s all very cryptic. It’s as if I completely forgot everything I supposedly learned in that short story class I took as an elective.

Janet Schaab wrote on May 05:

I think underneath it all you have the germ of something that COULD go somewhere. These characters are unhappy, and we want an exploration of why they are unhappy or feel trapped. However, if you kill one of them off, then HE obviously can’t figure things out. Maybe she does later in life, but they certainly don’t get to resolve things together.

David wrote on May 08:

My first ever comment! For what it*s worth: I think you’ve got something here. It’s part 1 that seems out of place to me; I have no idea what’s going on there. I like the flashback affect but I’d move part 2 to the opening because that’s where I began to feel empathy for the characters, part 3 to the middle because that’s where the sense of conflict is developed and clearly articulated, then make part 1 into the conclusion. You don’t have to answer all the questions there—I think the intention is to leave some things hanging—but with some reworking you could provide us some character development which would give the reader (and perhaps the writer) some sense of fulfillment.

David Schaab wrote on May 10:

Will ignore my first comments (not published) that I started BEFORE you posted explanation – I think I was reading as you were posting!
I like it and it is near complete (say what!?) This is a great short story in that as a reader, I get to use my imagination to fill in the obvious blanks. Today’s thinking is that we need every detail for a story to develop. More dialog to enrich the characters; color to give life; and history to give meaning. However, now that I’ve read Stay EIGHT times – I like it as it is. More details and I see a story that is ho-hum whereas now I can take the two characters, give them my own names, my history, and even my own thoughts of what tragedy occurred. Maybe that is why I have returned to Lost on TV – the story has piqued the imagination again. To a lesser extent, 24 does the same, makes you think about the storyline and gives the imagination some time to work. Add to much – you take away my imagination – keep it as is or add just a little more – good short story.