Sometimes a step back reveals more than one anticipates. And sometimes those revealed things aren’t exactly welcome.
After a hitting a really low low a couple of weeks ago I’m trying to piece together what exactly I’m doing here. I do know a couple of things. One, despite being in the profession of taking Jesus as the source of life and salvation to other people, I’ve been highly (even totally) dependent on my own efforts while here. (Retrospectively speaking, this isn’t a new problem.) And two, trying to do things on my own doesn’t work all that great.
Although I would like to interpret this as a sign that I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time, another critical realization was that I’ve seen this pattern before. For a while now I’ve been bouncing from place to place and occupation to occupation, and quite predictably each new situation grows old and uninteresting after a while. Then I find myself wondering why I can’t motivate myself to complete work that six months ago I thought was the most interesting thing on the planet.
The constant through the last several years has been a sustained mediocrity in my personal relationship with God. There have been some highs, but for the most part as I look back on things it’s been a continuous flatline near the bottom of the chart. Not particularly ideal for a missionary, but I decided to come to Japan anyway. And now it’s finally taking a toll.
The solution is painfully obvious, but I’ve found it’s easier said than done. You can’t just pick up the pieces and expect to get back to where you were (or rather, where you want to be). Thus my frustrating and somewhat scary experiences of praying and not feeling at all like anyone was listening, like I was really talking to anyone but myself. Thus the sensation that can only be described as hollow and wondering how it’s possible for someone to call himself a Christian and still feel this way.
On a positive note, had I not come to Japan and been exposed to a situation where spiritual strength is necessary to keep going, I might not have realized the depth of this problem. So I can hopefully proceed on the correct vector from here now that my eyes have been opened to what’s really happening. Getting back on track, however, is taking a lot of effort. Sometimes the motivation is there and it’s easy. Sometimes it’s not and I’m close to slipping backward again. The next few months will probably determine a lot.